A Proposal for President Biden’s New Campaign Speech — “Like the Cicada, I Look Different In the Final Stage of My Life Cycle But I Can Still Make a Hell of Buzz”
Cicadas spend most of their lives in larval form (called nymphs). Depending on the species the nymphs live up to 2.5 meters (8.2 feet) below ground, feeding on plant sap from roots, which they pierce with their long proboscis. In the nymphs’ final developmental stage, they dig their way to the surface with powerful digging legs, pull themselves up to a plant stem, and molt into an adult with prominent eyes and clear wings. They leave behind a very recognizable larval casing, with the slit on the dorsal side from whence the adult emerged clearly visible. After molting, the adults mate and females lay hundreds of eggs in slits they cut into tree bark. When the eggs hatch, the nymphs drop to the ground and burrow. (From the “Cicadas” entry on the Encyclopedia of Life)
Hello Janesville! I love coming to the great state of Wisconsin! Thank you Governor Evers and Senator Baldwin for joining me. You’ve shown us how to protect democracy in Wisconsin and now we need to do it in Washington!
It’s also great to be here with Jill and my grandchildren. We’ve been through a lot together, but as long as my brood is close I know we’re gonna be okay.
I love hearing from people in the great state of Wisconsin. I hear from hard-working teachers who have to pay for school supplies out of their own pockets. I hear from union electricians working on green energy projects made possible by the Inflation Reduction Act. But this year I’m hearing something else — the deafening, chainsaw-like buzz of billions of male cicadas.
Those terrifying, prehistoric bugs make me think of the great American poet Walt Whitman, who wrote, “I hear America singing.” The ear-splitting whine from the buckling and unbuckling of their abdominal tymbals sounds like America singing to me. And it sounds like the story of my life.
Like a periodical cicada, I had a long nymph stage. The Senate’s basement cafeteria was my underground burrow. I spent thirty-six long years in my Senate hole, drinking xylem from the roots of the tree of democracy. But when I heard a call from voters to protect this nation from Donald Trump, I knew I had to emerge. With the help of my good friend President Obama [hold for applause], I built an exit tunnel out of mud and started climbing the nearest vertical surface.
So I know what’s it’s like to get knocked down. You can’t get much lower than a cicada nymph’s burrow, living underground drinking only xylem, covered in your own anal secretions. Just like the people of Janesville were knocked down when the GM plant closed in 2009. But Jill and I always say, it doesn’t matter how often you get knocked down as long as you get up one more time. And that’s what we need to do between now and Election Day!
Now I know many of you saw my debate with Donald Trump and might be worried. It’s true, I don’t speak as smooth as I used to. My walk is a little more stiff. I look different than I did in the Senate. But it’s not because I’m old.
The truth is that I look different because I’ve molted my exoskeleton and entered the final stage of my life cycle. Yes, I look different, but it’s because I’m ready to take flight and breed the next generation of Democratic leaders!
But I need your help. On Election Day, I need you to gather your brood and swarm the polls. And if we do, Donald Trump and all of America is gonna hear one hell of a loud buzz!
